Humour - Work & Stress

And you thought there was stress in your life ...

I'm stressed and want to break something

Tell me again how lucky I am to work here.

Do you feel run-down, tired, and irritable?

So you want the day off :-

Lets take a look at what you are asking for :-

There are 365 days in the year available for work.

There are 52 weeks in the year, in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 50 minutes each day in coffee breaks which accounts for 25 days per year, leaving only 68 days available.

With 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend two days per year on sick leave.

This leaves only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you take that day off.

What do you really mean? OR
Dr Mann's list of the main workplace lies:

It's a pleasure	-	What a hassle.
Glad to be of help	-	I'd rather be doing something else.
Have a nice day	-	Drop dead, it's all the same to me.
How are you ?	-	Spare me the details. I really don't care.
Long time, no see	-	Thank God.
Can I help you	-	Oh, please say "No".
That's really interesting	-	What's for lunch ?
Lovely outfit, is it new ?	-	My God, I bet they laughed you out of the shop.
Did you have a nice weekend ?	-	Please spare me your usual rambling account.
Can't stop, I've another appointment	-	With the speaking clock.
Sorry to hear your hampster died	-	Get a life.
Of course this idea will work	-	Your guess is as good as mine.
I would love to be involved in this project	-	I would rather scrape graffiti off walls.
No problem	-	So long as I reschedule my life for the next week and work until midnight every night.

Ode to Public Servants.

Ten public servants standing in a line,
one of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine public servants who must negotiate,
one joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight public servants thought they were in heaven,
'til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven public servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
but one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six public servants trying to survive,
one of them was privatised - then there were five.

Five public servants ready to give more,
but one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four public servants full of loyalty,
their jobs were advertised - then there were three.

Three public servants under review,
one left on secondment - then there were two.

Two public servants coping on the run,
one went out on stress leave - then there was one.

The last public servant agreed to relocate,
replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

Anon

The Facts of Life :-

This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody: There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could of done.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel :-

I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only some bastard with a torch bringing me more work!

Another Week Ends :-

All targets met
All customers satisfied
All systems fully operational
All staff keen and well motivated
All pigs fed and ready to fly.

The Managers Prayer :-

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those staff I had to kill because they pissed me off.

We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

No-one is fired here. Slaves are only sold!

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

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Humour - Work & Stress

So you want the day off :-

What do you really mean? OR Dr Mann's list of the main workplace lies:

Ode to Public Servants.

The Facts of Life :-

The Light at the End of the Tunnel :-

Another Week Ends :-

The Managers Prayer :-

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Non-Medical

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What do you really mean? OR
Dr Mann's list of the main workplace lies: