Medical Humour - Hospital Notices
Unlikely - but true
Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team
and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale
sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem
and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one
Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on
the team‘s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they
concluded that ”too many people were steering and not enough
To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed
to three ”Assistant Steering Managers•, three ”Steering Managers•, one
”Executive Steering Manager• and a ”Director of Steering Services•. A
performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the
boat more incentive to work harder.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off
all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment, and
halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher
than average pay awards to Senior Management.
The NHS Staff Charter
We have already had the Patient's Charter. It should now be the turn of NHS
It is the government's wish that all staff should find their work
pleasurable, fulfilling and rewarding. To this end, certain measures will
be implemented so that in future, patients will not interfere with the
smooth running of GP surgeries, hospital departments or wards.
||All patients will have short, easily pronounceable surnames to which
they will respond instantly when called.
||They will attend for appointments at precisely the time requested,
instead of arriving half an hour early or late and then complaining if not
||They will give a simple, clear history, making the diagnosis obvious.
||All patients to be examined will be freshly bathed or showered and will
weigh not more than 14 stone (89kg).
||Patients may not bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable excrement on
||They will be able to climb unaided on and off the examination couch
and will present unequivocal physical signs.
||Patients will no longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury
fundamental orifices and where they fail to conform to this guideline it is
acceptable to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate areas of
||At the conclusion of an appointment, patients will thank all staff
profusely, handing round Milk Tray (or preferably, more expensive
sweatmeats), bow low and walk out backwards smiling all the while.
||Patients will consider themselves cured at their first attendance and
will not be permitted to return with similar symptoms for a period of at
least two years.
||To ensure the smooth implementation of this Charter it is proposed that
additional staff, trained to educate patients in their new responsibilities
will be recruited.
Inevitably, there will be some small hiccups at first but if it is
anticipated that these will be easily resolved by the free and liberal
distribution of gripe water, a sample of which is enclosed in this document.
St. Elsewhere Hospital Day Of Action.
As the health authority has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers
are requested to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce the wage
bill. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble
on the roof top of the main block. Arrangements will commence on alternate
days, beginning 1st August 1999.
Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and high scorers
will receive enhanced death benefits. The action, in view of its voluntary
nature, will not effect your pension rights.
Participants are requested to avoid landing on cars, ambulances or
spectators, as this may cause death or injury to non-participants. Anyone
not taking part on the days of action are asked to give every assistance to
contractors employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into
skips on the east side of the building. Spectators are requested to make
some form of movement on the action days to avoid being thrown into the
Any staff taking part will be able to change his or her mind until reaching
the fifth floor, after which it will be impossible for attending health and
safety officers to get into a catching position.
The health authority hope to attain 50% reduction in staff through this
scheme. Should the scheme become over subscribed a waiting list will be
produced. All names to your manager before the end of July.
MEMORANDUM : To All Hospital Staff.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
RE : Two New Cost Cutting Measures.
A bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on
each ward. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting mold on the
compost will be used by the pharmacy for in-house production of
antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through
the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally soon be the only antibiotics
listed on the formulary.
St. Elsewhere Hospital NHS Trust
As part of our continuing effort to improve the working environment for
staff we are pleased to announce a change in the contract for the provision
of car parking. Under the new EEC regulations this contract had to be put
out to tender. It has been awarded to the German firm H. Kohl Ltd from
From 1st August 1997 the fee for parking on the PAH site will be 1 Euro. A
Karnet of 10 tickets may be purchased in advance from the office of the new
manager Herr Krapp. Cars failing to display a valid ticket will be
Klamped. A fine of 100 Euros must be paid to the manager to release your
car. Staff parking on top of other cars will have their vehicle removed and
sold to defray management expenses.
We welcome the involvement in hospital life of our European cousins. In an
effort to smooth over any communication problems all staff will attend
compulsory German lessons so as to familiarise themselves with basic
motoring terms. Please learn the following words before your first
||Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
||Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
||Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
||Die Kuplink mit Achlippen und Schaken
||Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
||Die Twatten mit Elplate
||Der Tennarpischer und Zlockenarr
||Der Edbangeronvinschreen Stoppenquick
||Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
||Der Walletemptyung Meter
||Die Puffeitinter fur Pistenarsen
|REAR VIEW MIRROR
||Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
||Der Klunkenklickken Frauleinstrapper
||Der Wipen fur Arsen
||Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkit
||Die Bluddifukkin Dammundblast
||Der Fukkengratt Trukken
||Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
||Der Haiway Robberung
||Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
||Der Banannen Walzen
|DOUBLE WHlTE LINES
||Overtaken und Krunchen
A Professor :-
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God.
A Senior Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a shunting engine
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God.
A Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved.
A Senior Registrar :-
Barely clears a pre-fabricated hut
Loses a tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Is occasionally addressed by God.
A Registrar :-
Makes high marks on a wall when trying to clear tall buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself
Talks to animals.
An SHO :-
Runs into buildings
Recognises locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued amunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls.
An HO :-
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says 'look at the choo-choo'
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself.
A Nurse :-
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Picks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God.
The facts of life :-
This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody,
and Nobody: There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure
that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody
wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody
did what Anybody could of done.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel :-
I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only some
bastard with a torch bringing me more work!
Another month ends:-
All targets met
All systems working
All customers satisfied
All staff eager and enthusiastic
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
The Managers Prayer :-
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those staff
I had to kill because they pissed me off.
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the
ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now
qualified to do anything with nothing.
No-one is fired here. Slaves are only sold!
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
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