Medical Humour  -  Hospital Notices

Unlikely - but true

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team and a team representing the N.H.S.  Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance.  On the big day they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged.  Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team‘s structure.  Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded that ”too many people were steering and not enough rowing•.

To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed to three ”Assistant Steering Managers•, three ”Steering Managers•, one ”Executive Steering Manager• and a ”Director of Steering Services•.  A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe.  The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to Senior Management.

The NHS Staff Charter

We have already had the Patient's Charter.  It should now be the turn of NHS staff.

It is the government's wish that all staff should find their work pleasurable, fulfilling and rewarding.  To this end, certain measures will be implemented so that in future, patients will not interfere with the smooth running of GP surgeries, hospital departments or wards.

1. All patients will have short, easily pronounceable surnames to which they will respond instantly when called.
2. They will attend for appointments at precisely the time requested, instead of arriving half an hour early or late and then complaining if not seen instantly.
3. They will give a simple, clear history, making the diagnosis obvious.
4. All patients to be examined will be freshly bathed or showered and will weigh not more than 14 stone (89kg).
5. Patients may not bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable excrement on NHS premises.
6. They will be able to climb unaided on and off the examination couch and will present unequivocal physical signs.
7. Patients will no longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury fundamental orifices and where they fail to conform to this guideline it is acceptable to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate areas of their anatomy.
8. At the conclusion of an appointment, patients will thank all staff profusely, handing round Milk Tray (or preferably, more expensive sweatmeats), bow low and walk out backwards smiling all the while.
9. Patients will consider themselves cured at their first attendance and will not be permitted to return with similar symptoms for a period of at least two years.
10. To ensure the smooth implementation of this Charter it is proposed that additional staff, trained to educate patients in their new responsibilities will be recruited.

Inevitably, there will be some small hiccups at first but if it is anticipated that these will be easily resolved by the free and liberal distribution of gripe water, a sample of which is enclosed in this document.

St. Elsewhere Hospital Day Of Action.

As the health authority has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit suicide.  This will substantially reduce the wage bill.  Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof top of the main block.  Arrangements will commence on alternate days, beginning 1st August 1999.

Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and high scorers will receive enhanced death benefits.  The action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not effect your pension rights.

Participants are requested to avoid landing on cars, ambulances or spectators, as this may cause death or injury to non-participants.  Anyone not taking part on the days of action are asked to give every assistance to contractors employed to clear away the remains.  Bodies will be thrown into skips on the east side of the building.  Spectators are requested to make some form of movement on the action days to avoid being thrown into the skips.

Any staff taking part will be able to change his or her mind until reaching the fifth floor, after which it will be impossible for attending health and safety officers to get into a catching position.

The health authority hope to attain 50% reduction in staff through this scheme.  Should the scheme become over subscribed a waiting list will be produced.  All names to your manager before the end of July.

Thank you.

MEMORANDUM :  To All Hospital Staff.
RE :  Two New Cost Cutting Measures.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood related tests on patients who are already bleeding.

A bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each ward.  Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.  The resulting mold on the compost will be used by the pharmacy for in-house production of antibiotics.  These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally soon be the only antibiotics listed on the formulary.

St. Elsewhere Hospital NHS Trust


As part of our continuing effort to improve the working environment for staff we are pleased to announce a change in the contract for the provision of car parking.  Under the new EEC regulations this contract had to be put out to tender.  It has been awarded to the German firm H. Kohl Ltd from Berlin.

From 1st August 1997 the fee for parking on the PAH site will be 1 Euro.  A Karnet of 10 tickets may be purchased in advance from the office of the new manager Herr Krapp.  Cars failing to display a valid ticket will be Klamped.  A fine of 100 Euros must be paid to the manager to release your car.  Staff parking on top of other cars will have their vehicle removed and sold to defray management expenses.

We welcome the involvement in hospital life of our European cousins.  In an effort to smooth over any communication problems all staff will attend compulsory German lessons so as to familiarise themselves with basic motoring terms.  Please learn the following words before your first lesson.

INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
EXHAUST Sitzenpoppenhangentuben
SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit Achlippen und Schaken
PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurschagginaute
PARKING METER Der Tennarpischer und Zlockenarr
WINDSCREEN WIPER Der Flippenflappenmuckenshpredder
POWER BRAKES Der Edbangeronvinschreen Stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
BREATHALYSER Die Puffeitinter fur Pistenarsen
REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
SEAT BELT Der Klunkenklickken Frauleinstrapper
HEADLlGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
EXHAUST FUMES Dar Koffundschplitterpoluter
HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkit
TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifukkin Dammundblast
REAR SEAT Dar Schpringentester
TYRES Flatfahrts
BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbanermekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
GARAGE Der Haiway Robberung
CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
SKID Der Banannen Walzen
DOUBLE WHlTE LINES           Overtaken und Krunchen

Cameos :-

A Professor :-
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God.

A Senior Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a shunting engine
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God.

A Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved.

A Senior Registrar :-
Barely clears a pre-fabricated hut
Loses a tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God.

A Registrar :-
Makes high marks on a wall when trying to clear tall buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself
Doggy paddles
Talks to animals.

An SHO :-
Runs into buildings
Recognises locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued amunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls.

An HO :-
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says 'look at the choo-choo'
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself.

A Nurse :-
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Picks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God.

The facts of life :-

This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody:  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.  Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could of done.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel :-

I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only some bastard with a torch bringing me more work!

Another month ends:-

All targets met
All systems working
All customers satisfied
All staff eager and enthusiastic
All pigs fed and ready to fly.

The Managers Prayer :-

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those staff I had to kill because they pissed me off.

We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.  We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

No-one is fired here.  Slaves are only sold!

The floggings will continue until morale improves.



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