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Medical Jokes

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What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?

The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.




"Pheasant Huntin' Docs"

There is a GP, a Physician and a Surgeon going on a shooting holiday.

They look up at a flying bird.

GP : "It looks like a pheasant and I think it's a pheasant, but I'm not sure."
Physician :    "By the wing span and the way it flaps its wings and its plumage, I'd say it is almost certain to be a pheasant.  But I couldn't exclude it being a grouse."


The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to flop to the ground.

Holding it up he says: "It was a pheasant!"




VARIATION  -  "Duck Huntin' Docs"

A family practice doc, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist are out one day duck hunting.  First up is the FP doc - he raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck."  BANG!  He bags himself a duck.

The internist then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead.  He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck likely."  BANG!  He, too, bags himself a duck.

A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock.  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around.  The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."




The Evolution of Medicine

I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.


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Surgical Jokes

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Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from a General Surgeon?
A.   Hide it in the Patient's Notes.

Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from an Orthopaedic Surgeon?
A.   Hide it in a Textbook.

Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from a Plastic Surgeon?
A.   Trick Question - You can't.




Q.   What does an orthopaedic surgeon call the heart.
A.   A soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.

Q.   What do you call 2 orthopaedic surgeons reading an ECG.
A.   A double blind trial.

Q:   What did the patient say to the annoying doctor during Liposuction surgery?
A:   Doc, you're really starting to get under my skin!!




Who to call ....  The Proctologist  or  The Ophthalmologist??

A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town.  Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table.  During the night, he drank the water and swallowed the eye.

A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D.  The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of assholes before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me."




Three surgeons met at a convention, and during the break, they began discussing what types of patients they liked to operate on.

The first doc said, "I prefer to operate on short people because it's more of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision."

The second surgeon replied, "Challenge, shmallenge.  I prefer to operate on oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect.  Everything is in the right place every time.

The third doctor said, "Obviously neither of you has ever done surgery on a lawyer.  They are by far the easiest patients to cut on.  When you open them up, you'll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth."


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Nursing Jokes

(PS: I did not make these up !)

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Q:   What's do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?
A:   A synapse.

Q.   What do you call a nurse with a brain.
A.   Pregnant.


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Psychiatry

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Neurotics build castles in the air.

Psychotics live in them.

Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.




Family Troubles

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here?  What was the nature of your illness?"

He got this reply...

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.  Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.  So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother.  Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.  But hold on just a few minutes more.  You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.  Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"




Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.

Thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press  '1'  repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press  '2'.

If you have multiple personalities, press  '3', '4', '5'  and  '6'.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want;  just stay on the line and we will trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.

( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )




Shrink Rap

Two psychiatrists are riding a bike.

One of them falls, and hurts himself badly, bruises and blood all over the place.

And what was the other ones' response ? ....
"Do you want to talk about it ?"


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Obs & Gynae

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Change of Careers

After several years as an Ob-Gyn, a doctor decides he's tired of what he's been doing and wants to change his career.  He wonders what other type of work he can do.  After a while, the Ob-Gyn remembers how much he liked automotive class in school and, since he's good with his hands, he decides to become an auto mechanic.  He enrolls at the community college automotive school.

Upon his completion of his course, the final exam consists of taking a car engine apart and putting it back together.  The doctor turns in his final project and, to his astonishment, receives a grade of 150%.  After class, the Ob-Gyn says to the instructor, "You know, I've gotten plenty of 100%'s in my life, but how does someone get 150% ?"

"Well," responds the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and .... another 50% for doing everything through the muffler"!


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Paediatrics

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Nothing Up His Sleeve

A baby was just born.  He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy.  I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little new born in front of the worried parents, but he kept laughing.  He laughed, hands in tight fists, until tears were rolling down his cheeks.

During the initial exam, the pediatrician slowly unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right.  Nobody in the room believed what was found in the baby's hand.

A birth control pill!


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Geriatrics

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Memories

A medical student was visiting his elderly grandfather and was asking him about the various medications that he was currently taking.  "So, I understand that you're taking Ginkoba.  Have you noticed any improvement with your memory ?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know," the grandfather replied.  "I never remember to take it !!"




Naked and Ninety-Five

An elderly male resident of the nursing home said to the female resident in a wheel chair, "Betcha can't guess how old I am."

She replied, "I can if you take off all of your clothes."

So he disrobed and she instructed him to turn around slowly.

Then she said, "You're 95."

"That's amazing!!" he exclaimed.  "How could you tell?"

"You told me at breakfast."




The Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three ?"

"274," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn.  What is three times three ?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn.  What's three times three ?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.  "How did you get that ?"

"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."


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Accident & Emergency

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Men & Women

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Brain Transplant

A man went to see his doctor.  The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you.  The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.  The good news is that this hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants.

Yesterday, there was a terrible accident right in front of the hospital and a young couple was killed.  You can have which ever brain you like.  The man's brain will cost you $100,000 and the woman's brain will cost you $30,000."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why is there such a large difference between the cost of the male brain and the cost of the female brain?"

"The male brain has hardly been used!" replied the doctor.




Agony on the Green

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.  The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men in his 'middle regions, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.  "Please allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnoooh, I'll be all right ... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.  She began to massage his private parts.  She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

"It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."




Sign of the Times

A girl goes to see her doctor.  The doctor comes into the exam room and notices that the woman has a rash on her chest.  As the doctor examines the rash, he notices that the rash is in the shape of an "H".  To his amazement, the girl tells him, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes some cream and sends her on her way.

A few days later he is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest; only this time it is in the shape of a "Y".  To his amazement, she tells him a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Yale and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this girl and sends her home.

Much to his amazement, a few days later another girl goes to his office with a rash on her chest.  The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an "M".  As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by saying, "Let me guess.  Your boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when you make love."

The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wyoming"




Dead Dishy

A man calls his doctor and frantically says, "Doctor, I think my wife is dead!"

The doctor replies, "What do you mean you 'think' she's dead ?".

Well doctor," says the man, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink."




The Price of Priapism

A young man walked into a pharmacy run by two older never married sisters.  One was at the prescription counter, and he asked her what she could give him for his Priapism.  She said she would have to consult her sister in the stockroom.

She disappeared for a few minutes, then came back and said, "The best we can do is $10,000 and the store."




A Case of Hearing What She Wants to Hear

A well developed adolescent female was being examined by the doctor for cold symptoms.  The physician who was standing behind the patient, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a second, then replied, "I know, and I'm only 12 !"




Conventional Love

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.  The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.  As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.  Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.  Once she comes back they go for it.  After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."


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General Jokes

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Frank and the Cockroach

Frank is sitting in his living room when the doorbell rings.  Upon answering the door, he finds a 6 foot tall cockroach that grabs him by the neck and beats him about the head and shoulders, then leaves.

The next night, the doorbell rings and it is the same 6 foot tall cockroach.  He punches Frank in the abdomen and stalks off.  The third night, the doorbell rings and it's the same 6 foot tall cockroach.  This time he beats the snot out of poor Frank.

Frank staggers into the ER and collapses in triage.  He looks at the MD and says " Doc, you gotta help me.  I can't take any more of this!"

"Sorry," The MD replies, "It's just a nasty bug going around."

VARIANT :-

A man answers a knock at the door late one night.  Standing on the doorstep is a six-foot tall beetle.

Suddenly the beetle kicks him in the balls and, without a word, walks off into the night.  The unfortunate fellow crawls upstairs to bed.  The next morning, he feels awful so he takes the day off work.

The following day, still no better, he goes to see his GP.  The GP asks what happened and, rather sheepishly, the man recounts his story.

"Ah" says the GP.  "There is a nasty bug going around."




A Diagnosis in Doubt

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.

The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.  The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  The vet brings in a black labrador.  The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.  The vet answers, "$650".

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead !"  exclaimed the man ....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."




The Heimlich Manoeuvre

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.

She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.  One said to the other "That there gal is having a bad time!"  The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help ?".  "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak ?" She shook her head no.  He said "Can you breathe ?"  She again shook her head, no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.  So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his friend, he said  "Funny how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."




Doc Castaway

A world famous physician is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."  The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the physician and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a fine cigar ?"

"Ten years," he replies.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a nice Cuban cigar.

He takes the cigar, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!  Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of fine brandy ?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she asks, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun ?"

"My God!" exclaims the physician, "Don't tell me that you've got my golf clubs in there too!!"




Overheard at a Royal Navy Cocktail Party :-

Good evening, Admiral.  I'm Surgeon-Lieutenant Bates.

What!  Not the son of old Butcher Bates of St Thomas's ?

Yes sir.  And my mother was Clarissa Cuthbertson, the thyroid surgeon.

What!  Not old Cut-throat Cuthbertson of the Royal Free ?

That's right, sir.  And I'm keeping medicine in the family, because next week I'm marrying Dr Jemima Snodgrass.

What!  Not the daughter of old Slasher Snodgrass of Guy's ?

The same, sir.  I'm sorry my fiancee can't be here tonight, but she's in bed with cramp.

What!  Not old Carver Cramp of St Mary's ?




Good News / Bad News

A man goes to his doctor for his routine examination.  After examining the man, the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like to hear first ?"

The man says, "I don't like the sound of that.  Give me the bad news first."

The doctor says, "OK.  You have a terrible, debilitating illness.  You will be dead within three months.  In those three months, you will lose your short term memory, then your long term memory, followed by the use of all four limbs and control of your bowels and bladder.  You will quickly become a burden to your family and caregivers until you die a helpless mass."

The man says, "Oh my God, that's the worst news I've ever heard.  What could possibly be the good news ?"

"Did you see that beautiful blonde nurse who brought you into this examination room?" asked the doctor.

The man replies, "Yes".

"The good news," says the doctor, "is that I'm sleeping with her !!"




A doctor was doing his daily rounds in the hospital when a nurse noticed that he had a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.  The nurse approached the doctor and whispered into his ear, "Doctor, you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor took the rectal thermometer out from behind his ear and stated in disgust, "Some asshole must have my pen !".




Q & A's

Q:   What is the difference between a rotweiler and an intensivist ?
A:   A rotweiler lets go when you're dead !

Q:   Why was Private Billy Rubin court marshaled and thrown out of the Army?
A:   For being yellow!!




Viagra Jokes :-

If lost in the wilderness.  Take viagra and an iron supplement.  This will turn you into a perfect compass.

Q:   Did you hear about the three men that hijacked a truck full of Viagra?
A:   The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Q:   What is the generic name for Viagra?
A:   Mycoxafillin




Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy

There are two cows in the same field.
One says to the other, "It's bad news about this BSE isn't it."
The other one repliess, "Not for me mate, I'm a squirrel !"




A couple goes to dinner at an exclusive restaurant in London.

The man orders a fillet steak, prepared rare.

The waiter asks politely, "What about the mad cow, sir ?"

"Oh don't worry," answers the man, "she'll order for herself ..."




A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"So Doc, what do you think is the matter with me?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."




Lawyer - Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse ?
Pathologist    -    No.
Lawyer - Did you listen to the heart ?
Pathologist - No.
Lawyer - Did you check for breathing ?
Pathologist - No.
Lawyer - So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't actually sure he was dead, were you ?
Pathologist - Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.





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