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25 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1.      You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate when driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front at your mother.
7. It you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word commitment doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
14. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
15. With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too old or too young for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate, it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.  Its always good.
21. You don't have to BEG to get chocolate.
22. You can have chocolate with children and not go to jail.
23. Chocolate doesn't keep you awake yapping after you've had it.
24. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday morning.
25. It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.


During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
7 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas whilst reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

The Poo Guide

1. The Ghost Poo The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you've done it, but when you wipe, there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet.  Where did it go?
2. The Clean Poo The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom.  You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. The Hot Tar Poo The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
4. The Second Thought Poo Just as you think you've finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your keks to the knee, you realise there is still some more poo to come out.
5. The Lincoln Log Poo The kind of poo that is so huge you're afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with a stick.  This poo only happens when you are at somebody else's house.
6. The Sweetcorn Poo Self explanatory.
7. The "I Wish I Could Poo" Poo You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
8. The Side Birth or The Boo-Hoo Poo This poo hurts so much that you swear it is coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches.
9. The Fishermans Bobber or
Floating Poo
You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf-ball size pieces floating above the water line.
10. The Sultana Poo This type of poo is really frustrating.  You get yourself prepared for a "Side-Birth, and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana.


THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID : Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should Be boss.

THE HANDS SAID : Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID : Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.  Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss.  All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.

The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.  Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss, and so it happened.  All parts did the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

MORAL : You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole.


Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection, is to protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
A crank with armor, will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, No love.

Nuns have to enter heaven via a different gate than other souls.  Here they have to confess one last sin before they achieve salvation.  A queue of nuns were waiting at this gate ready to be made into angels.  St. Peter told them all that they must all confess one last sin before they were allowed through the gates and be made angels.

The first nun said to St. Peter that she had once touched a mans penis with the tip of her finger, whereupon St. Peter replied that she must go and wash her finger in the fountain of forgiveness.  She does this and the gates of heaven open up, she sprouts wings and flies off towards the light.

Addressing the second nun in the queue he said "And have you ever touched a man's penis".  The nun replied that she had once held one in her hand and given it a bit of a massage.  St. Peter replied that she should now wash her hand in the fountain of forgiveness, which she did and so was promptly admitted into heaven.

St. Peter was just turning toward the third nun in the queue, when another nun from further back in the queue hurriedly pushes her way to the front and says "If I'm going to have to wash my mouth out in this fountain, then I want to do it before sister Maria Angelica washes her bottom in it".



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