Humour  -  Jokes



Main Headings

Lawyer Jokes
Chickens Crossing Roads
Changing Lightbulbs
Education
Scientific Proofs
General Jokes

Back to top

Lawyer Jokes

Down


Lawyer - Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse ?
Pathologist    -    No.
Lawyer - Did you listen to the heart ?
Pathologist - No.
Lawyer - Did you check for breathing ?
Pathologist - No.
Lawyer - So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't actually sure he was dead, were you ?
Pathologist - Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.




A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates:

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question ?"



Q: Why are lawyers prohibited from having sex with their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.



Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.  You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?

A: You shoot the lawyer.  Twice.



I read somewhere that they are now using lawyers in stead of rats for scientific experiments.

They do this for 2 reasons :-
1.   The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.
2.   There are certain things that even rats won't do.



How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.


Back to top

Chickens

Down


Why did the chicken cross the road?



Primary Teacher To get to the other side.
Plato For the greater good.
Aristotle It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan I forget.
Capt James T Kirk To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Hippocrates Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consulting Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its Physical Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken to use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.  Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge, capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Louis Farrakhan The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King I envision a world where all chicken's will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road'.  And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it.
Richard M Nixon The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Bill Clinton I want you to listen to me.  I'm going to say this again.  I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.  These allegations are false.
Bill Clinton again While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.  Indeed I did have a relationship with that chicken which was not appropriate.  In fact it was wrong.
Machiavelli The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why? The end of the crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Jerry Seinfeld Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, 'What the heck was that chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?'
Freud The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
Oliver Stone The question is not 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'.  Rather it is, 'Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?'
Darwin Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Einstein Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson The chicken did not cross the road ..... it transcended it.

Back to top

Changing Lightbulbs

Down


Q:   How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   Three ... one to write the order, one to consult, and one to watch the nurse do it.

Q:   How many surgeons, does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   One, they just hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around them!

Q:   How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
A:   None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q:   How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   Two - One to do the job and a professor to take the credit.

Q.   How many lawers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.   How many can you afford?

Q.   How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A.   What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q:   How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   That's easy - A Fish.

Q.   How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.   10.   1 to change it and 9 to write the documentation.

Q:   How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   None, that's a hardware problem.

Q:   How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   Three -
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else
      tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q:   How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   100 - ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form " ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

Q.   How does an American change a light bulb?
A.   He doesn't.  He throws the lamp away and buys a new one.

Q.   How many nuclear scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.   Ten.   1 to install the new one and 9 to decide what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q:   How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q:   How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!

Q:   How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   One - but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q:   How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   It depends on what you want to change it into.

Q:   How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   None, it turned itself in.

Q:   How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.

Q:   How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   Seven - Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead.  Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines.  Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives.  Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down.  The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.  Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.  Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs they can carry.  Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et al.  The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q:   How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A:   Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2.  Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is 0.08.  So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

Q:   How many net jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
A:   1,622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!

Q:   How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   One.

Q:   How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   None.  They have the women to do it for them.

Q:   How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.


Back to top

Education

Down


ADULT EDUCATION PROGRAMME



(SEPTEMBER 1999 - JUNE 2001)



Self Improvement
SI 100    Creative Suffering
SI 101    Overcoming Peace of Mind
SI 102    You and Your Birthmark
SI 103    Guilt without Sex
SI 104    The Primal Shrug
SI 105    Ego Gratification Through Violence
SI 106    Dealing with Post-Realisation Depression
SI 107    Whine Your Way to Alienation
SI 108    How to Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretentiousness and Ostentation

Business and Career
BC 101    Money Can Make You Rich
BC 102    Packaging and Selling Your Child
BC 103    Career Opportunities in Beirut
BC 104    How To Profit From Your Own Body
BC 105    Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BC 106    Looters Guide to Cities

Crafts
C 101    Self Actualisation Through Macrame
C 102    How to Draw Genitalia
C 103    Needlecraft for the Junkie
C 104    Gifts for the Senile
C 105    Bonsai your Parrot
C 106    Rearrange your Mate

Home Economics
HE 101    Cultivating Viruses in your Refridgerator
HE 102    Burgular Proof your Home with Concrete
HE 103    Sinus Drainage in your Own Home
HE 104    Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE 105    Convert your Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
HE 106    1001 other uses for your Vacuum Cleaner
HE 107    How to Convert your Granny's Flat into a Garage

Health and Fitness
HF 101    Creative Tooth Decay
HF 102    Exorcism and Eczema
HF 103    The Joys of Hypochondria
HF 104    High Fibre Sex
HF 105    Suicide and your Health
HF 106    Biofeedback and How to Stop It
HF 107    Understanding Nudity
HF 108    Optional Body Functions
HF 109    Rhythm and Regular Movement with Prunes
HF 110    Tap Dance your way to Social Ridicule


Back to top

Scientific Proofs

Down


Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Now a simple mathematical proof that explains why this is true.

Postulate 1  :  Knowledge is power
Postulate 2  :  Time is money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
--------   =   Power
Time

Since Knowledge  =  Power, and Time  =  Money, we have

Work
---------   =   Knowledge
Money

Solving for money, we get:

Work
---------------   =   Money
Knowledge

Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of the work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's maths program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance, hence money.



A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd because the general speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  The results of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties, and the achievement of excellence in all disciplines.  It also explains why, after a few short years after leaving university and getting married, most workers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates and single staff members.

Only those few who stick to the strict regime of alcohol consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in their college years.   If you feel that you are losing your competitive and technological edge, do not sit and shudder at work, get stuck into a few beverages.  You need to be at your peak, and you should not deny yourself the sparkling career that you deserve!


Back to top

General Jokes

Down


Dyslexia



Q:   What does DNA stand for?
A:   National Dyslexics Association

Did you here about the man who's an Agnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac?
He lies in bed all night wondering if there's a dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers who sold their souls to Santa.

Dyslexics of the World Ignite.



What's the difference between Heaven & Hell ?

In Heaven, the French are the Cooks, the Germans are the Mechanics, the British are the Police, the Italians are the Lovers and the Swiss are the Bankers.

In Hell, the French are the Mechanics, the Germans are the Police, the British are the Cooks, the Italians are the Bankers and the Swiss are the Lovers.



A man was sailing on the sea in the midst of a terrible storm.  His ship was being tossed around like a toy boat, and in the end, the ship gave up the fight and sunk into the deep.  The man however managed to stay afloat and clung onto life until the morning when the storm passed and calm was eventually restored.

His life now depended on being rescued, and happily in a short while, another ship came along, saw him bobbing up and down in the water and came along side to rescue him.  The man's reply was that God had saved him up to this point and that God would save him again.  He did not require rescuing.

The man in the rescue ship was surprised, but being unable to convince him to come aboard, continued on his journey.

Soon enough, another ship came along, and it too offered to rescue our man, but again, he refused saying that the good Lord would save him.

A few hours later the same thing happened, but again he refused.

Eventually, the man succumbed to exposure and exhaustion and his body sunk below the waves.  His soul ascended into heaven.

At the gates of heaven, he met St. Peter and in fact was more than a bit resentful, stating to St. Peter that he had put his trust in God.  Why hadn't God saved him?

St. Peter's reply was  "He sent three ships !"



A man was driving his pick-up truck up a steep, narrow, mountain road when a woman approached from the opposite direction.  As they passed each other, the woman leaned out of the window and yelled, ”Pig!•. The man immediately leaned out of his window, and screamed ”Bitch!•   They each continued on their way.  As the man rounded the next bend, he ran into a pig in the middle of the road.



Other Miscellaneous Jokes & One-Liners



What did the duck say when he wanted to buy a newspaper?
Stick it on my bill!

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.

Mary had a little lamb, the doctors were astounded!

First Woman :  Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself another hat.
Second Woman :  I always wondered where you found them.



  Medical

  Non-Medical
   Doctors
   Nurses
   Patients
   Medicine & Surgery
   Psychiatry
   NHS & Waiting Times
   Careers in Medicine
   Inappropriate Names
   Hospital Notices
   Humorous Medical Anecdotes
   Medical Jokes
   Miscellaneous 		   Smart & Witty
   Men & Women
   Computers
   Work & Stress
   Sex & Obscene
   Language
   Quotations
   Humorous Anecdotes
   Non-Medical Jokes
   Miscellaneous

Back to Homepage