A Selection of Humorous Quotations

Political ability is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same thing.

From the moment I picked up this book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter.  Someday I intend to read it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A communist is someone who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Everything you read in the Newspapers is absolutely true, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first hand knowledge.

Diplomacy, n.   The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it.   Peggy Joyce.

When I was a kid, I had no watch.  I used to tell the time by my violin.  I used to practise in the middle of the night, and the neighbours would yell, "Fine time to practise the violin, three o'clock in the morning!"

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.   Woody Allen.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve immortality through not dying.   Woody Allen.

Die, my dear doctor?  That's the last thing I shall do.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare.

On Warren G. Harding, US President 1921-23.
His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea;  sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a straggling thought and bear it triumphantly a prisoner in their midst, until it died of servitude and overwork.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

Love ...
The delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering she looks like a haddock.

Politicians who complain about the media are like ships' captains who complain about the sea.

Man is the only animal that blushes  -  or needs to.   Mark Twain.

A verbal agreement is not worth the paper isn't written on.

The expert theorem :
For any given "expert" opinion, there exists a second "expert" of equally credible qualification with the exact opposite opinion.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber at weekends.

I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

A conservative is someone who admires radicals a century after they're dead.

A gossip talks about others, a bore talks about himself -
and a brilliant conversationalist talks about you.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

If you're not confused by economics, you're not paying attention.

Diplomacy is the art of saying  'Nice Doggie!'  until you can find a rock.

"Mr Churchill, you are drunk"
"And madam, you are ugly.  But I shall be sober in the morning"

Sir Winston Churchill did once find a use for some.  Asked by Stalin to help combat a Soviet condom shortage, he persuaded a British manufacturer to have a special batch made.  Twice as big as normal, these were shipped over to the USSR marked "Made in Britain - Medium".  History doesn't reveal whether he saved any for himself - or kept his cigars in them.

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

Please put your brain in gear before engaging your mouth.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

We may be alone.  We may not be alone.  Either way, the thought is staggering.

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission ?

There are exceptions to every rule; including this one.

Painting is the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critics.

Amazing but true :
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

Amazing but true :
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out evenly it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

Murphy's Fifth Law:   If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'm willing to make an exception.

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and that has long been sufficient for any government.

The trouble with political jokes is that they keep getting elected.

A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen from the unfit to do the unnecessary.

I am a computer - As such, I never have, nor never will make a mistake or error
(I thought I did once, but I was wrong).

I've heard that there's an interesting lecture on schizophrenia at the Caird Hall tonight and I've half a mind to go to it.

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a message and I'll call you back when I'm out."

They say there is no substitute for talent, but you seem to have found something.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

To err is human ... but to really mess things up you need a computer.

I can be neat, I can be efficient, but why make everyone else look bad ?

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If you can keep your head whilst all around people are loosing theirs, then you obviously don't understand the situation.

Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice.

Once a mind has been stretched by a new idea, it can never return to its original dimensions!



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