Medical Humour  -  Nurses

If we gave you nice food Magnify

To save time please take clothes off now Magnify

Nil By mouth - Sandwiches in ear Magnify

How many enemas did you give him? Magnify

Injections on even days only Magnify

Make a note - The medicine cabinet is leaking Magnify

Nurse, Bring me a pin Magnify

Bandage Empty - He was in here last night! Magnify

Distinct impression Magnify

Showing Off Magnify

Smoking in the toilet Magnify

I keep hallucinating - A Nurse!!! Magnify

I told you it was a hair piece! Magnify

Never a night of fun until now Magnify

That's enough chit-chat for now, Mrs Spiggot Magnify

Visitors for rent - £5/hr Magnify

Nursing was too exhausting Magnify

I distinctly said 'prick his boil'. Magnify

Even Sillier Hats Magnify

Celebrate Pay Rise with a Cuban Cigar Magnify

You KNOW you are a nurse when :-

You believe that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.

You plan your dinner break whilst lavaging an overdose patient.

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group.

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

Your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign a self discharge form so you don't have to deal with them any longer.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet isn't it".

You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm.

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store.

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled  "Suicide ... Doing It Right".

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine.

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You think that caffeine should be available in I/V form.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.

You play poker by betting ectopics on ECG strips.

You want the lab to perform a "dumb shit profile".

You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset.

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 hours / days / weeks / months / years)?".

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.

Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool.

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm ... until you get one you DO recognize.

You believe a book entitled  'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.

You have ever referred to someone's death as a 'transfer to part 3 accomodation'.

You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies".

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.

PS: The author of 'You might be a nurse if ...' is Michael Seaver at



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