Humour  -  Language

Japanese Complaint Form Magnify


Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study for ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough.  What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies.  The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staffed at the top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'.  Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy.  Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.  Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.  This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.  Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful.  Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapened.  By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replacing 'th' by 'z'.  Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after at, half a 'w'.  Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be droped from words kontaining 'ou'.  Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proces yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensible ritin styl.  After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trublsm difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand each ozer.   Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finaly hav kum tru.

The Irish Guide to Medical Terms and Meanings

Anally Occurring Yearly
Artery The Study of Painting
Bacteria Back Door to the Cafeteria
Barium What Undertakers do after Treatments Fail
Bowel Letters like A E I O U
Caesarian Section           A Distrct of Rome
Cat Scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterise Make eye contact with her
Colic A Sheep Dog
Coma Punctuation Mark
Congenital Friendly
D & C Where Washington is
Diarrhoea Journal of Daily Events
Dilate To Live Long
Enema Not a Friend
Fester Quicker
Fibula A Small Lie
Genital Not Jewish
G.I. Series Soldier Ball Game
Hangnail Coat Hook
High Colonic Jewish Religious Holiday
Impotent Distinguished / Well Known
Intense Pain Torture in a Teepee
Labour Pain Getting Hurt at Work
Medical Staff A Doctors Cane
Morbid A Higher Offer
Nitrate Cheaper than Day Rate
Node Well aware of
Outpatient Person who has Fainted
Pap Smear Fatherhood Test
Pelvis Cousin of Elvis
Post Operative Letter Carrier
Prostate Flat on your Back
Protein Favouring Young People
Recovery Room Place to do Upholstery
Rectum Damn Nearly Killed Him
Rheumatic Amorous
Scar Rolled Tobacco Leaf
Secretion Hiding Something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Serology Study of Knighthood
Tablet A Small Table
Terminal Illness Getting Sick at the Airport
Tibia Country in North Africa
Tumour An Extra Pair
Urine Opposite to you're out
Varicose Located Nearby
Vein Conceited

A Guide To Medical American Medical Slang

Acute MI Acute Monetary Insufficiency
Bag 'em Put someone on a respirator
Bleed Them Draw blood
Bought The Farm Died
Bounce Back Someone discharged who's readmitted
Buff 'em Up Hydrate someone to stabilize their electrolytes
Circling the Drain A patient who's taken a turn for the worse
Code Brown A bed full of shit
Crispy Critter Burn victim
Crump To go downhill / Die
CYA Medicine Cover Your Ass Medicine
(i.e. Do extra tests & document everything)
Donor Cycle Motorcycle
(Motorcycle RTA victims make very good organ donors)
Drop a Tube For example, an ET tube
Dump A hard-to-dispose-of patient from another doctor
ETU Morgue  (Eternal Care Unit)
Facinoma A great ER story
Fertile Myrtle Woman who gets repeatedly pregnant
FLK Funny-Looking Kid
FOS In need of an enema, as seen on X-ray
Gas 'em Give the patient an anaesthetic
Get Burned To make a mistake
GGF Granny's Got A Fever
Glory ER Exciting cases
Go Down The Tubes         Get sicker
GOK God Only Knows
GOMER Get Out of My Emergency Room!
Gork Brain-dead patient, on the way out
GSW GunShot Wound
HBD Has Been Drinking
Hit An admission
Hit Hard To admit lots of difficult patients in one shift
Incoming Scud Train wreck coming in by ambulance
Knife And Gun Club Inner-city hospital
LGFD Looks Good From the Doorway ...
LOL Little Old Lady
MRCP Member of the Royal College of Physicians.  OR
Mental Retardation With Cerebral Palsy.
NAD Nothing Abnormal Detected.  (Residents joke - Not Actually Done)
Perf To Perforate / Burst
Pimp To ask a student a difficult question
Road Rash Abrasions from a fall onto tarmac / concrete
"Send Him Redline" ASAP
Slammed "Hit Hard", but worse
Spark 'em Defribillate someone
Stat Hurry up
Stool Magnet Someone who always gets very complicated patients
Tank 'em Up Give fluids
Train Wreck Multiple problems
Turf To send a patient to another service  (eg. surgical)
Underdose An overdose that doesn't kill ...
Vitamin H A very powerful sedative  (Haloperidol)
WADAO Weak And Dizzy All Over
Walking Time Bomb Someone with a potentially fatal disease  (eg. aortic aneurysm)
Wallet Biopsy An expensive procedure
WNL Within Normal Limits.  (Residents joke - "We Never Looked").

St. Elsewhere Hospital NHS Trust


As part of our continuing effort to improve the working environment for staff we are pleased to announce a change in the contract for the provision of car parking.  Under the new EEC regulations this contract had to be put out to tender.  It has been awarded to the German firm H. Kohl Ltd from Berlin.

From 1st August 1997 the fee for parking on the PAH site will be 1 Euro.  A Karnet of 10 tickets may be purchased in advance from the office of the new manager Herr Krapp.  Cars failing to display a valid ticket will be Klamped.  A fine of 100 Euros must be paid to the manager to release your car.  Staff parking on top of other cars will have their vehicle removed and sold to defray management expenses.

We welcome the involvement in hospital life of our European cousins.  In an effort to smooth over any communication problems all staff will attend compulsory German lessons so as to familiarise themselves with basic motoring terms.  Please learn the following words before your first lesson.

INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
EXHAUST Sitzenpoppenhangentuben
SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit Achlippen und Schaken
PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurschagginaute
PARKING METER Der Tennarpischer und Zlockenarr
WINDSCREEN WIPER Der Flippenflappenmuckenshpredder
POWER BRAKES Der Edbangeronvinschreen Stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
BREATHALYSER Die Puffeitinter fur Pistenarsen
REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
SEAT BELT Der Klunkenklickken Frauleinstrapper
HEADLlGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
EXHAUST FUMES Dar Koffundschplitterpoluter
HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkit
TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifukkin Dammundblast
REAR SEAT Dar Schpringentester
TYRES Flatfahrts
BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbanermekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
GARAGE Der Haiway Robberung
CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
SKID Der Banannen Walzen
DOUBLE WHlTE LINES           Overtaken und Krunchen

A Letter from an Irish Mother.

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved.

About your father - he has a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working too good.  Last week I put 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery.  Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.  They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.  The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.  Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker.  He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

Your loving Mother

PS:  I was going to send you five pounds but I had already sealed the envelope.



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