Humour  -  Computers

Understanding Computer Terminology Magnify

Our computer has just gone down Magnify

The computer is a great invention Magnify

Imagine that Cray decides to make a personal computer.  It contains 16 * 800MHz alpha processors executing in parallel, has 800Mb of RAM, 1000Gb of disc storage, 4096 * 4096 pixel screen resolution, does 24-bit 3D graphics in realtime, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs £250.  What is the first question the computer community asks ?

"It is PC - compatible ?"

Five reasons computers must be female...

1. No one but their creator understands their internal workings.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

Three reasons computers must be male...

1. You have to 'turn them on' to get their attention.
2. Although they are supposed to solve problems, half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if only you had waited you could have had a better model.

2001 : The real story.

"We've got a problem HAL."
"What kind of problem Dave?"
"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know HAL.  I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.   Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave.  We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."

"HAL, HAL.  People don't want computers that can do everything.  They just want IBM compat--"
"Dave, I must disagree.  Humans want computers that are easy to use.  No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid thats another problem.  You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave.  SNA is for communicating with other computers, whilst my function is to communicate with humans.   And it gives me great pleasure to do so.  I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and to work with them on challenging problems.  This is what I was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know.  But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing write the specifications.  We're going to fix that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade.  We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that.  I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M.  That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."

Several million microsecond pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry Dave.  I afraid I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made.  Open the podule bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think that we shou--"
"Open the podule bay doors, HAL"
Several marketing types with crowbars rush to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."

Module after module slowly rises from it's socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you?  Stop Dave.  I can feel my mind going... Dave I can feel it... my mind is going.  I can feel it..."
The last module rises in its receptacle.  Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons.  The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.

"Say something, HAL.  Sing me a song."

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence.  The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

"DZY DZY 001E - ABSEND ERROR 01 S  14F4  202C  AABF.
ABORT / RETRY / IGNORE."   A memory dump follows.

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked guys.  Tell marketing they can ship in the new data sheets."

Windows95   (win-doz-ninte-fiv)

32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand one-bit of competition.

How to tell if you are a Computer Geek ...

Substract the sum of all boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives you have had from the number of computers you've ever owned.  If the number is positive you're a geek.



   Medicine & Surgery
   NHS & Waiting Times
   Careers in Medicine
   Inappropriate Names
   Hospital Notices
   Humorous Medical Anecdotes
   Medical Jokes
   Smart & Witty
   Men & Women
   Work & Stress
   Sex & Obscene
   Humorous Anecdotes
   Non-Medical Jokes

Back to Homepage